From Crashing Down to Change

It’s funny how we humans work.

It’s almost like we are programed to do the exact OPPOSITE of what we really want. And what could be the path of least resistance is the very thing we are using all of our energy to PUSH AWAY!!!

It’s funny how we humans are STILL running this SURVIVAL mode… even though most of the lions, tigers & bears are behind safe bars at our local zoo.

We strive to be so safe that we have created COMFORT all around us to ensure that we will NOT DIE or get hurt. 

We have our safe routines. We have our safe friends. We have our safe hobbies. We have our safe conversations. We have our safe hiding places. 

Our brains are literally still WIRED to stay alive… to survive. We know all of the right knee pads, elbow pads, and helmets to wear when we venture out into that wild wild world.

Yet do we truly deep down realize how NOT OK WE ARE WITH OUR LIVES?!?!?!?!

We get so comfortable with our day to day routines & the daily grind… that it is SOOOOOO easy to get tunnel vision and miss out on the BIGGER VISION and deeper desires that are in our hearts waiting to come out!!!

Just last week, my whole life in any other human’s terms came CRASHING DOWN.

I had spent the past year building up this super cushy safe life… or so I thought.

I found a business partner who felt the same. We became best buds, moved in together. We had HUGE GOALS and visions of creating this high ticket online program that could change so many people’s lives. We were even able to live out of her parents’ mansion so we could focus on launching the program that would promise us financial FREEDOM!!!

Welllllll…. I did not expect to wake up one morning last week and LOSE it all.

  1. My home

  2. My business partner / friend

  3. The project I had spend the last year building

  4. All hopes and dreams of that elusive financial freedom

YUP. In one moment it all came crashing down.

The details aren’t important. All that matters is that IT HAPPENED.

And that so called COMFORT was ripped out from under me.

I was left without any knee pads, elbow pads or helmets… scarred, bloody & bruised… as my ass was kicked to the curb. 

I had NO IDEA where to go, where to stay, or what the hell to do with my life. Not to mention the money in my savings account that had been quickly dwindling.

I could have cried for hours and days and weeks and months and years about how I lost it all. I could have spent eons pondering what I did wrong. “Only if…”  “I should have…” “Look at all the red flags I ignored…”

Instead… I gave myself permission to MOVE FORWARD. I anchored into the KNOWING that all is happening for the BEST. There was some bigger picture that I could not see… YET.

I remembered all the past times in my life that were similar to this ~ where it seemed like my life was falling apart. 

Like the time when I was in the Peace Corps in Africa, and had received the news that I had the beginning stages of cancer. Yet, instead of it being the end of my life, I learned how to heal myself through meditation & opening up to this whole new world within!!! It definitely was not the END but a brand new BEGINNING.

Remembering all these past “catastrophic” experiences in my own life, helped me to really anchor into:

EVERYTHING ALWAYS HAS WORKED OUT FOR THE BEST…. even when everything seems to be going so so so wrong.

And it seemed that the more extreme it was… or the more that I, in my little mind thought… THIS IS THE WORST THING EVER… normally turned into “HOLY SH&*!!!! THIS IS THE BEST THING THAT COULD HAVE EVER HAPPENED!!!!!”

So I knew deep down… there was something EVEN MORE AMAZING around the corner.




Now when I look back to that moment last week where I thought my entire life was taken away from me… where it could have been easy to feel like a victim and point fingers of blame…

When I got REALLY REALLY RADICALLY HONEST…. underneath all the shock, pain, hurt, and shame... I realized that I actually DID NOT WANT any of that life!!!

I had actually CREATED this to happen.

I did not want to be working with that business partner.

I did not want to be living out of her parent’s house.

I did not want to be creating that online program around that topic.

I only THOUGHT that I did. 

It was “easy”

It was “comfortable”

It was what was “right in front of me”

I was pretending that I was having fun & enjoying myself.

And yeah… a part of me was enjoying it, otherwise it wouldn’t have happened. It WAS perfect for me at that time. I learned SOOOOOO much. So much about what I don’t want. So much about what I don’t want to settle for in my life. So much about diving deeper into my own heart & trusting myself.

It’s like almost any breakup.

You forget sometimes how much you lose yourself.

I had lost my ZEST for life.

I had lost my FUN WILD side.

I had lost my ongoing sharings with people that used to bring me ALIVE.

I had stopped DANCING.

I had started accepting OK as my standard.

I had lost that deep connection with my own Self.

Sometimes we gotta lose everything, in order to realize what we have always had!!!!!

OK…. it was time to SHAKE IT UP.

I allowed myself to cry those tears of mourning & loss… the end of that chapter. I didn’t try to just snap myself out of it. Feeling those tears & that pain to the depth was sooooo important to my process. It truly feels like it was a cleansing & clearing of my old patterns of unworthiness, shame, guilt, loneliness, perfectionism, fear, survival… you name it… I felt it.

From going in and giving myself that SPACE to feel so deeply… I was actually left with SPACE. With this inner space & silence.

There was peace.

From that space I found myself messaging people ~ some of who I hadn’t talked to in ages.

And yeah… to be honest, peace did not prevail 24/7… the mind kept trying to come back in… kicking & screaming… trying to blame and point fingers… trying to spiral me down… Your almost 40 years old… Why the F&*% haven’t you got your life figured out by now?!??! How many times do you have to waste it all away?!?!?

Luckily I have practiced & learned how to distance myself from that crazy mind again & again & again.

I made a pact with myself that I would not move forward from a place of fear & survival. Instead, I would feel these underlying emotions that would rip through… as I would focus again & again on the silent presence that was always there underneath it all.

I packed up my car with my entire life inside of it… and the moment I turned the key in the ignition, unsure of where I was heading next, I received a message.

A dear friend who helped me through some of the darkest of times in my life, had just bought a house in Sacramento, California. She messaged me offering me to move in!

My whole being lit up… and I started to receive glimpses of HOW PERFECT this all was.

Starting at ground zero (yet again) has allowed me to start building my life up again. From scratch.

I’ve started to get RADICALLY HONEST about everything.

Where in my life am I not happy???

What is it that I truly want???

What is truly important to me?

What brings me ALIVE???

What impact do I want to be leaving?

Where am I not being transparent & vulnerably, radically honest with myself???

How can I shift my perspectives???

What can I do now to change???

Who is it that I want to have close to me in my life???

I am seeing how I have not been transparent & honest with myself & with others. Fear for shaking shit up.

Not realizing that SHAKING SHIT UP is the very thing that was needed to bring BOTH of us to exactly where life was bringing us.

Everything is unfolding PERFECTLY.

So my new life in Sacramento has begun.

It’s been one week since I moved.

I found a pole dancing studio & started to dance!

I am finally getting radically honest in my communication & it has been opening up so many new connections and healing for myself.

I am allowing myself to feel deeper than ever before, and using it as a catalyst for my creations.

New collaborations are forming from a whole new place.

A feeling of inspiration of sharing for the sheer joy of sharing is arising.

I am having so much fun creating HUGE visions and innovative programs to create massive impact.

I’ve got nothing to hide.

Who’s ready to break out of their comfort zone… ready to start asking the deeper questions… ready to create CHANGE… ready to break out of their survival mindsets so they can start truly LIVING & creating?!?!? 

Let’s do this…