I’m finally allowing myself to judge the shit out of other people.
I spent so many years feeling bad when a judgmental thought arose. Why am I so mean? I’m such a bad person. Callie… you know that when judging another, it just means you are judging yourself… That would then spiral me down into being so damn hard on myself… seeing how much I didn’t love myself.
However, what I’m finding is that there is a freedom when I just allow all thoughts, judgments, and emotions to be there.
I don’t have to figure out why.
I don’t have to figure out where they came from or what they mean.
I don’t have to fight them or push them away.
They are just there. And that is OK.
When the pain or emotion is triggered… all of a sudden a flood gate of negative thoughts that support that pain come rushing in. It tries to strangle & drown me.
The more I am aware of these patterns & loops… the more I can drop the stories, the other person, the thoughts… and allow myself to FEEL the pain that is underneath it all.
I can finally cut all distractions. Stop running away. Get still. BE with myself & be so present with what is arising.
I hold myself… and let myself know that…
“It’s OK that you feel this way.”
“It’s totally understandable why you would feel like this.”
“I love you & am so here for you to feel this.”
Then I allow myself to express whatever comes up… sometimes I fall into a puddle & cry my eyes out… sometimes I am RAGING and allow myself to scream or write out a million hateful angry words… sometimes I feel this blissful peaceful presence.
I used to judge myself as being a sensitive emotional cry baby.
But now I’m seeing it’s a super hero power.
This ability to FEEL so deeply.
All of my protective armor is falling off… leaving me so naked, raw & vulnerable.
Yes… it can be damn scary… but DAMN! It is so freeing.
This ALLOWANCE & ACCEPTANCE of everything that arises… no matter what it is.
The power that comes when we realize that we can be totally OK with feeling any & every emotion. We don’t need other people to act a certain way or external circumstances to change in order to be happy.
We can find peace NOW. In this moment.
Allowing ourselves the freedom to BE anything & everything in each moment.
From here… without even trying… I am falling deeper & deeper in love with myself.