OK… I’m pissed.
I’m going to share what is going on in my internal world as I process this real time. I’m going to give this energy a voice.
I’m going to share, because I do not hold onto any of this as ME. It is just thoughts and words that are floating around this trash pit of collective thinking… for so long I have associated these thoughts as a part of ME and therefore thought I was such a bad, judgmental person to have these… I’m feeling a pull to share this. So I will.
There is this BIG part of me that is PISSED at how people take everything I say & do… filter it through their own lens and then PROJECT IT ONTO ME.
I get it… in their little bubble of reality it is True. And I get it… it IS true in their little bubble of reality. They are probably unaware they are doing it, and are only trying to help me. But in another bubble it is SO FALSE and something wants to reflect this to possibly POP THEIR DAMN BUBBLE.
IN FACT, ALL OF THESE BUBBLES HAVE GOT TO POP in my opinion… if we as a humanity want to WAKE UP and unify.
One person private messaged me after one of my recent shares and starts telling me that she can see my root pattern that keeps looping for me, and that she has just the person who can HELP ME.
You know what I wanted to reply, but didn’t?!?!? F%$& you.
Don’t you dare try to FIX ME.
Don’t you dare project YOUR S$%& and storyline onto me.
Don’t you dare tell me that I am anything but whole & complete.
Instead, I just kept quiet.
Then today, I wake up and see someone else posted… “All I feel is a deep rest may come over you. All you have to do is exist. Thanks for sharing.”
AGAIN!!!! That SAME RAGE starts to bubble up… I find myself wanting to rip his head off.
How about taking what I read and applying this to YOU instead of projecting it onto me?!?!?
How about just meeting me in my feelings NOW?!?!
How about not telling me where I “may” end up, what I “have to do” & instead accepting me AND whatever is arising for me NOW?!?!?
SOOOOO MUCH RAGE IN MY CHEST.
SOOOOO much anger against men. Suppressing who I am… my voice…. my emotions…
Stop telling me I need to ground this in.
Stop telling me that I need to deeply relax.
Stop telling me that I need to improve or change.
WHEN ARE WE AS A HUMANITY GOING TO WAKE UP AND STOP TRYING TO FIX EVERYONE ELSE?!?!
WHEN ARE WE GOING TO LEARN HOW TO MEET PEOPLE WHERE THEY ARE AT IN THEIR FEELINGS?!??!!?
Part of me wanted to hold back… Callie… this is your ego reacting… do NOT write back to these people.
Well… I’m sick of suppressing how I am feeling.
THAT feels like even MORE shit.
MAYBE this is here for something more than just me.
This dragon wants to be unleashed.
This is where I would normally STOP. I would suppress my emotions & not express what was coming up for me. I could see how they were being so innocent & kind ~ trying to help me out. I would take all of what they would say in… I would see where I needed to ground. I would see that I could drop it all & go into deep relaxation. I could see where yeah, maybe getting some help might help... I could see all of these perspectives as true. But these too are just spiritual concepts and ideas that we people keep mentally masturbating over… I shouldn't be this angry. I shouldn't feel this way. I should be more loving and understanding.
Well what if the most loving thing to do was to actually SPEAK UP & start reflecting what was being mirrored to me so we could all actually EVOLVE & DEEPEN!??!?!
Who cares if shit hits the fan at first… at least from there we can move forward. If I hold it all in… how is that actually helping me or this other person/ part of me???
So for now, I'm going to say F$%& all the spiritual concepts & shoulds. This is running through my mind & emotionally body right now.
And guess what?!??!
The next moment it will probably be COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.
All of this will be gone. It will have meant NOTHING.
I can let go of all of this and keep living MOMENT to MOMENT to MOMENT.
Yet… people who are still HOLDING ONTO something here are probably are going to project an image of who they think I am and how they think I should be.
Well… I’m finally learning to let them.
It’s tiring to try and hold up some image of who I want to be. Can I just be free to be me in each moment, no matter what that looks like?!?!?
I’m also learning to meet them more where they are at.
Maybe THEY don’t know how to meet themselves deeply.
Maybe THEY don’t know how to feel & express what is there.
Maybe THEY feel some part of them needs to be a certain way and that they aren’t perfect, whole & complete as they are.
All I know is that I DON’T KNOW.
And in this not knowing… of feeling into what is here now… of expressing this all into the world moment to moment… there is such freedom.
It’s helping me release these parts of myself that I was judging or holding onto.
I am feeling into this TRASH of a mind that the collective is holding.
Sometimes I just let it go, and see it as that… a floating trashy thought… but today it pulled me to feel & SPEAK OUT.
Maybe these people who are so quick to judge & project will be able to stay open enough take it a reflection to learn & grow from.
Maybe these parts within myself will get to see and let go of what they are still holding onto as they continue to deepen into the heart.
Ya… It might be crazy to post this publicly.
But hey! It’s here in the moment… so I’m going to share it. I don’t know why.