Afraid to Receive Love

Holy crapola… I’m starting to realize HOW MUCH I have been unable and afraid to RECEIVE LOVE.

I’ve noticed within myself it’s been way easier to GIVE love & inspiration… rather than to soften into & open up to receive love.

I was so darn lucky to grow up in the most amazing loving family. All I ever heard were encouraging, loving, supportive messages of how amazing I was and how I could do anything I put my mind to. Yet even with that outpouring of constant consistent love, I noticed I was resistant to fully take it in.

Looking back, I’m noticing how uncomfortable I’ve been when people would reach out and let me know how much I impacted their life. I’d smile & say thanks… and go onto the next thing. A part of me deep inside would feel what they would say, yet another part of me was too afraid to go there & feel that fully.

Underneath it all, was this unconscious pit that I was unworthy. That I wasn’t good enough. I always found myself constantly comparing myself to others. I would see others shine, and then it would reflect upon the parts of me that were not shining. I would see others standing with such confidence and it would reflect all of my weaknesses & insecurities.

The biggest gift I gave myself was when I finally went into the depth of feeling that unworthiness. I got so tired of playing it out in so many aspects of my life… and from that exhaustion, complete giving up & letting go… it’s hard to describe it in words… but it gave me this depth of strength.

I touched a part of myself that I had forgotten.

This part of me that is so much more BEYOND any thoughts, worries, insecurities, fears… It’s almost as if I had played out and lived through my worst case scenarios & nightmares sooooo much… that I wasn’t afraid of them anymore.

BRING IT ALL ON. Come on insecurities… come on grief… come on depression… come on anxiety… come on despair… come on loneliness, rage, fear… BRING IT ON… I’m not afraid of feeling you anymore. And if I do get scared…. I FEEL THAT!

Space.

Peace.

Acceptance.

And not from TRYING to be peaceful or TRYING to accept… but from a complete giving up…

None of it can touch me.

I feel from this space… and from here I am now starting to allow love to come in.

So many have been reaching out expressing how much I had made an impact on their lives in the past… back then, I didn’t know how to take it in, because I didn’t feel good enough to accept it.

Now I let it in… and tears shed… my heart feels like it’s cracking open.

I’m not afraid anymore to let this love in and feel how HUGE it truly is.

The more I let it, the more it wants to circulate and give back.

Let it in… Feel it… Let it tear you down, crack you open & set you Free.